dude, im getting so fucking sick and tired. i need to rant.
so anyone who knows me, knows that i am very short. im about 4’10. i try not to let my height get me down, it’s been the number one thing that i wish with all my heart i could change about myself. i’ve looked into multiple surgeries, exercises and drugs to increase my height. all because i hate it so much, it is my biggest point of self loathing. i try to overlook it but when i go out anywhere, i get pointed at, stared at, i get insults shouted at me. it’s getting fucking harder and harder to go out.
it’s fucking hard. it’s draining. getting looked at like you’re a fucking side show because of your height is really disheartening. when i go out to a club or a bar, i constantly get asked questions, get joked at, people asking if they can get pictures with you because ‘they’ve never seen anyone as short as you’. im not a fucking side show, im a person, im a human being. same as the fucking rest as you. and then i get called a ‘rude bitch’ when i don’t want to fucking pose in a photograph with you. go lay on a train track.
i’ve got denied jobs because of my height. people don’t take me seriously because of my height. i was told to go into modelling then got told i was to short. costumers make jokes about me to my face at work and i can’t do shit. like what do you fucking want from me ? i hate myself and i hate my height. is that what you want ? because the more people that pass me on the street and shout stuff at me, i remember how much i hate myself. people don’t realise how hard it is to be fucking different. whether you’re tall or short, it’s fucking hard. people are assholes.
it’s discrimination. if say a black guy or a wheelchair bound person gets things shouted out at them down the street, that’s a hate speech but when people pass me and shout insults and me until i sob, that’s ‘just life’, ‘something you have to deal with’. go fuck off.
until you hate going out because you’ll be laughed at or pointed at, you don’t understand. until you sob because you hate yourself, you have no idea. until you wish with all your heart, that you were ‘normal’, don’t say shit.
it’s getting harder and harder, i really try to not think about it but it’s so hard when you’re constantly reminded about it. trying to drain out the laughter and stares, insults and jokes. it’s really fucking hard. it’s really frustrating that i can’t do shit.
i needed to let that out.
this week has fucking sucked. my baby, my hedgehog died. whilst my friends were looking after her. im so sad. ive pinched a nerve really badly in my neck, so it makes it incredibly hard to move. i can’t find my medication. i haven’t heard back from any apartments yet. none of my friends are home or responding to my texts. i have no one to talk too.
a guy that told me he wanted to be with me, a few months ago. i finally saved up the money to go visit him last month. he won’t speak to me or respond to any of my messages. like seriously ? i spent all that money and grief going to visit you and since the day i left you won’t talk to me. just ignore my messages. and i realized that someone close to me doesn’t care either.
anddd my mom still isn’t speaking to me. she’s reading my messages and ignoring them too.
im so sad and lonely. i just want to listen to sad music, lay in someones arms and cry.
fuck legit lost my hedgehog this time. i let her out in my living room last now and can’t find her anywhere. jeez.
that moment when you find a nice dress but then you try it on and you can’t get it over your chest then it gets stuck on your head n your stuck for about 20 minutes like a penguin.
sold a $60 bong at work today. my first bong sale. whoop whoop. on a sad spectrum tho. my sexy shoes didn’t arrive :(
omg i wish so many beautiful tall boys didn’t work on the rigs. fml.
gained so much weight in the last few months, ahaha. i know the exact reason. comfort eating. i wish i could be one of those people that are happy with being ‘curvy’, i wish i could be confident. but i hate it, i find myself disgutsing. i miss the feel of my spine and being able to see my ribs and hip bones. i miss the thigh gap, i feel disgusting without it. i feel happy when im lighter. i wish i could feel happy when im heavier. but i don’t. but kudos to all of those girls that feel confident with their figure.
fucking nearly started crying today in the mall when i realized how much weight i gained. so am changing it. three hours of rowing a day, another hour spent walking or cycling a day. only eat raw food. no sugar. no carbs. only gonna drink water or alcohol.
i wish you could get gifs tattooed. sadness. i’ll just have to wait for that day.